


Crumbs of hope

by MaelGalant



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, M/M, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:34:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29770062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaelGalant/pseuds/MaelGalant
Summary: Quarantine can make people touch-starved, especially someone as emotional and tactile as Clay. That's what Nick soon realized while living in Florida with his best friend, and to be honest... it's kinda cute.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 183





	Crumbs of hope

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my native langage, so sorry if my grammar leaves something to be desired.
> 
> Even if the characters and scenes are inspired by real peoples or events, this is entirely a work of fiction. Seriously, I'm not even interested in the sex life of these people, it just happen that their dynamic and personnality are a really good fit for a lot of tropes that I love to write.
> 
> Dream, George, Sapnap, if you ever read this story, hope it'll make you laugh! If not, I'll be happy to delete this fanfic the moment you ask.

Clay was an interesting paradox, in the sense that he could be so secretive and distant in his public life, but at the same time utterly emotional and tactile in private. To be fair, Nick was himself two faces of the same coin, both highly energetic on stream and all soft and mellow off-screen, so it was probably normal. Still, it was really cute how Clay became so clingy the moment he realized that his friend was receptive to cuddles.

It should have been obvious the moment Nick arrived in Florida after his way too long road trip. Eyelids heavy with lack of sleep, he had faceplant directly into Clay’s broad chest, and the tall man had held him so long in his arm like that, just standing in the front porch of the house. In the suffocating humidity of Florida, skin tacky and gross by a day without a shower, Nick would have fend off the warm embrace… if it wasn’t for the fact that he was totally spent, and only able to groan about his discomfort without doing anything about it. So Clay started to chuckle, because of course he would mock his friend’s suffering, the sadistic bastard, and finally dragged him into the cold comfort of a house with air conditioning. By the time Nick had finished washing his sweat down the drain, his friend had discharged all his bags and boxes from the car to his new bedroom, and never had the man felt so relieved and grateful in his life. 

It took less than a week before they found themselves cuddling in front of a stupid horror film, Nick laughing his ass off as Clay was half collapsed on top of him, his faced nestle in the crook of his neek because he was too much of a pussy to look at the screen. In the end, Nick had to shift position to drive away the numbness in his limbs, because damn that the man could be heavy when he wanted, and ended up leaning his back against the armrest to better stretch his legs on the couch, Clay following the movement to stay sprawled on top of him like the clingy child that he was. A child taller and older than him, with stubble on his face that was scratching Nick’s own beard, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t acting and whining like one. Again, that was a part of him that Clay didn’t show a lot on stream, rather projecting a more calm and controlled persona to better shoulder other’s problems. Or maybe all these responsibilities were the reasons he acted so needy once he was away from his screen. But Nick didn’t care, because it was truly adorable to see Clay pout for silly little things. Like when it was Nick’s turn to choose the next film to watch. Or when Patches was ignoring him to better rub her head against Nick’s hand. Or when one of his fancy imported ingredients was being late the day he really needed them to cook because “dude, you need to taste this once in your lifetime, I kid you not it’s just so good it’ll make you cry”. 

So yeah, it was cute to see Clay so trustful in his arms, and how he didn’t want to let go after the movie, groaning in protest and tightening his grip around him. So Nick just stayed there, humming any song floating in his mind as his friend was sighing his satisfaction against his chest. At some point, the man realised that his fingers were drawing circles on Clay’s back, making the blond almost purr like his cat, and fuck, it was saying a lot about how the confinement had made them all touch-starved. So just like that, cuddling on the couch became a daily habit, even when there wasn’t a movie on screen. Most of the time, it was after supper, when their friends were asleep or at the end of their stream, and neither of them had the courage to do the dishes before tomorrow, but weren’t tired enough to go to bed either. So they would put music in the background, take their same position on the couch, and just chill in silence or in irrelevant discussions. Sometimes, Nick would take the opportunity to get out his stash and glass pipe, and Clay would grumble something about the smell against his stomach, but he never moved away, especially when Nick started to pet his blond hair. 

With the cuddly evenings came soon other habits, like Clay sneaking behind him when he was making breakfast to better hug him and rest his chin on top of his head, or Clay crashing on Nick’s bed to lazily scroll on his phone when his friend was streaming without a webcam, interacting sometime with a distant voice. The fans immediately rolled with it and made animatics about Clay standing at his door at random moments, which was way funnier than the reality. There were a lot of sweet fanarts too, about both of them just falling asleep together, and to be honest, the man wouldn’t mind if their friendship ended up like that. Clay had really comfortable arms after all, and at that point, had taken naps on Nick’s bed way more often than on his own. Number of times, Nick had to wake him up with some light scratching in his hair, or else the blond would get grumpy and really nasty in his insults because he hated being woken up abruptly. But with fingers gently kneading his scalp, he would stretch his impossible long limbs in a groan, flutter his eyelashes to reveal confused green eyes, and then offer a shy smile that was way too cute to be legal, especially when accompanied with his deep groggy voice. 

So yeah, Nick expected an inevitable sleepover by the end of the month, with Clay refusing to let him leave the comfort of their couch unless they continued the cuddling in his bedroom. Or maybe he would follow him like a lost puppy throughout his evening routine, until Nick told him that yeah, he could join him in his bed for nighttime snuggles, no big deal. What Nick didn’t expect was that there would be kisses way before they would start to share a bed. It started innocently enough, and like he predicted, with Clay whining because he didn’t want to end their cuddle time to go in their seperate room. 

\- Kiss me goodnight, and then I’ll let you go.  
\- What, seriously?  
\- Weren’t you the one saying that’s what real homies do?  
\- Yeah, you just never told me you would be down for that outside Minecraft.  
\- Well, I’m telling you right now, so do it or stay trapped here forever.

Emphasizing his threat, the blond tightened his grip around Nick’s torso, making the smaller man chuckle. Clay’s head was resting on his shoulder, eyelids half-closed and lips crooked in a cocky smile, and Nick had no problem giving a little peck on his freckled cheek. The reaction was immediate, Clay beaming with joy before returning the favor, and the two were giggling stupidly as they separated for the night. It soon became another habit that his friend would abuse again and again, as if it was some currency he could exchange for avoiding his chores, especially when it was his time to vacuum or take out the trash. Sure, Nick would tell him to get lost every time, but Clay was a persistent bastard, trapping him in a bear hug to better flood his cheeks with exaggeratedly loud kisses until the smaller man would concede. But there were some nice uses of it too, like how Clay was now refusing to wake up from his nap without his peck on the cheek, and of course Nick had to mock him with the pet name of “princess” every time it happened. Or how Clay was now kissing the top of his head every time he was passing behind him. Until one day, as Nick was working while being in voice chat with George and Karl, the man entered during a silence in between discussions, and without realising that there was an audience, gave him a kiss just loud enough for the microphone to pick. 

\- What the fuck?  
\- Oh, hi George! I didn’t know you were on call.  
\- Dream? Wait, did you just kiss Sapnap?!  
\- Yeah, why?  
\- Don’t worry, Georgie, I promise we’ll do the same to you when you come live with us.  
\- That’s disgusting Sapnap.  
\- What, that’s just a little peck on the cheek! Karl, would you find it gross if I kissed you like that?  
\- Hm? Well, as your fiancé, I hope you’ll at least kiss me on the mouth when we will meet, you know.  
\- See, Georgie? Nothing bad with that.  
\- Oh, shut up.  
\- You know, it’s okay if it makes you jealous. Nobody here will judge you.  
\- Really funny, Dream. Now if you excuse me, I have work to do.  
\- What?  
\- Wow guys, you pissed him off so quickly, I guess that’s a record.

Normally, Nick would have laughed at Karl's comment, because it was so funny to mess with George when he was acting all stuck up, defending himself with nervous chuckles, irritated sighs, or even strident screams of frustration. But leaving the call in a cold voice? It was unheard of. Especially after being teased by Clay, the only exception where George would turn the tables and try to embarrass the man by using his own weapons against him. 

The rest of the day saw Clay withdraw in a pensive silence, the one that was clearly eating him inside to the point that he didn’t even close an eye for his afternoon nap, tossing and turning on the bed even after Karl had left the call, the only sound in the room being Nick sporadically typing on his keyboard. Once evening arrived, the blond didn’t even cook supper like he loved to do, ordering a pizza instead before flopping into the couch for a movie. Worse of all, he didn’t even move to snuggle inside Nick’s arm once they finished their meal, stubbornly satting at the other end of the sofa. It’s after an hour frozen in discomfort that Nick finally lost patience, and lightly kicked Clay’s thigh with the tip of his foot, snatching his attention out of his cellphone because of course the blond didn’t really have the headspace for a film.

\- Still texting George?  
\- Yeah.  
\- Is he okay?  
\- It’s… complicated. The confinement is just rough. For everyone.  
\- Yeah, I guess it’s even worse in a family that is not really, you know, prone to affection. Might be hard to keep all these emotions locked inside.  
\- …  
\- Dream, you alright?  
\- I don’t know what I’m doing, to be honest.  
\- Think your head will let you sleep tonight?  
\- … Not really, no.  
\- Wanna sleepover? The bed’s big enough for two. 

The face he suddenly raised to him looked so lost, and shit, now there were tears swelling in the corners of his green eyes. Nick was at his side right away, hand on his forearm to reassure him, but still giving him enough space in case his boundaries had changed with the recents events. Something twisted in his stomach when Clay, fucking Clay of all people, jerked under his touch as if Nick was about to attack him or something, quickly bringing his arm flush to his chest and rubbing the skin like it had been burned, eyes avoiding his gaze.

\- I don’t think it would be a good idea.  
\- What the fuck? We cuddle and kiss for one month and everything’s fine, and now suddenly it’s not because George said it’s disgusting?!  
\- No! No, it’s just… It just made me realise that maybe I… Maybe there’s things I should have told you before getting all greedy and shit.  
\- Like what?  
\- Like I may have listened to Sweater Weather a little bit too much these past few days. Or weeks. Or maybe months. 

For a brief moment, Nick’s brows frowned in confusion. There was, like, no correlation whatsoever with their discussion and that song, so why would Clay… And then he remembered an October stream with Karl, or more precisely, the aftermath of them both singing really badly in the Prime Church. The scene had been clipped, of course, but they hadn’t planned to learn in the comments that it was considered a bisexual anthem. Then suddenly, Clay’s words were making way too much sense. 

\- So that’s why you said that this song was epic the moment Karl put it for karaoke last week.  
\- And that’s why you refused to sing with us, even if Karl was disappointed because it was the first ever song you sang together on stream.

Nick suddenly froze. It’s not like he didn’t want to be associated with this song now that he knew it was linked with bisexuality. He never really cared about people’s opinions about him, never got scared to say or act a little bit “suspicious” according to others. Everytime someone would confront him about it, he would just shrug and say that he was confident in his straight sexuality, and so didn’t have to be shy about his emotions and affections. Then why didn’t he… Oh. Right. It was because Karl would have sung with him. Not that singing some stupid lovesong in duet with his friend was a problem, they did it during the whole karaoke. But if the song was seriously considered like an anthem, then it would have felt like… what, lying? Pushing the joke of fiancés too far? Because it could only be a joke, since Karl was really interested about that “candle girl” he never stopped talking about these past three months, and… Nick should stop thinking about that right now. Fuck, his best friend was comming out in front of him, and looking absolutely devastated by anxiety on top of that, so it was not the damn time to think about Karl and his girl crush. 

\- You know, me being straight doesn’t mean I won’t snuggle with my bff because he’s bi.  
\- So you don’t mind?  
\- Why would I? Anyway, the entire universe already knows that if you had to fall for a guy, you'd definitely go for George before me.

Clay let a small chuckle escape him as he was rubbing all traces of tears from his eyes, a mixt of sadness and relief stretching his lips in a fragile smile. Nick ruffled his blond hair to reassure him, and finally, Clay let his head fall on his shoulder with a sigh, allowing the smaller man to kiss his forehead.

\- So, for the bedroom tonight, yours or mine? 

Wiggling his eyebrows exaggeratedly had the desired effect, because Clay exploded in laughter, big bright smile finding his way back on his face. But just to be sure, Nick took his hand and never let it go, even as they were brushing teeth for the night, so he could squeeze it in silent support every time Clay showed hesitation. They ended up in Nick’s room, because at that point, his bed already had Clay’s name written on it, but something was telling Nick that there was another reason too. His doubts solidified once both of them got under the sheets, and he realized that Clay was doing everything in his power to stay at the utmost edge of the bed, eyes nervously going back to the door from time to time. Of course, the blond was hiding it all under a false pretence of confidence, smirking while crossing his arms behind his head. That idiot, as if Nick wouldn’t know him enough to read him like an open book.

\- Dude, I’m not forcing you to be here if you don’t want to, you know?  
\- No, no, I know. It’s just, I don’t want you to feel… trapped.  
\- Trapped? What are you… Oh fuck no, don’t fucking tell me you’re insuating what I think you are.  
\- Well, I’m way taller than you, and…

Nick didn’t let him finish as he suddenly stood up on his elbow, anger and adrenaline making it impossible to lay down any longer. Sensing the imminence of a conflict, Clay’s elusive eyes promptly stared back at him, body tense and smile vanished. With good reason, because Nick was royally pissed off, now.

\- Bullshit! I will not be scare of my best friend raping me in my bed just because he happens to be bisexual! What the fuck, man, why do you think I could see you as a fucking predator?!  
\- Oh, I don’t know, maybe because that’s the fucking first “joke” everyone make in high school the moment someone is suspected to be gay. “Hey guys, make sure you don’t go in the locker room when that guy’s changing, what if he starts to stare at you, or worse, tries to touch your dick!”  
\- … Wait, did someone really say that about you?  
\- No, I didn’t even know that I was bi at that time. Doesn’t mean I didn’t hear that shit about other people.  
\- Fuck, Clay, you know I’m not homophobic, why would you…  
\- Well, George’s not homophobic either, but good fucking luck convincing him to live with us if he ever learn that I’m half fag!  
\- Clay!

But the man had turned his back to him, blond hair hiding his face, arms clenched around raised knees as if closing himself from the outside world. Or trying to hold back tears, knowing how that imbecile hated to show any vulnerability. Sighing, Nick fell back on the mattress, anger dissipated into worry. 

\- You have a crush on him, aren’t you?  
\- … I tried not to. I tried so hard, but every time I think I got over it, he gives me these mixed signals and I… I don’t know what to do. Like, is he in the closet and disguising his flirts as jokes because he thinks I’m straight and don’t want to ruin our friendship? Or is he straight and flirting for the joke, but ready to cut all contacts the moment he realizes that I might have feelings for him? That guy is so guarded, it’s a fucking mess to dance around his walls when all I want is a truthful discussion. I don’t even mind if he’s not interested in me, at least with a confirmation I could finally move on and have a crush on someone else, but no! No, I have to stay in that fucking limbo with little confusing crumbs of hope to keep me hooked on, and I’m just so tired, Nick. I’m really good at hiding it, and I know I can keep it that way for a really long time if needed, but I feel so fucking empty sometime that…  
\- That you needed a safe friend to fill you up with affection without getting paranoid about you. 

There’s a shift in the sheets as Clay finally turns to face him, and it was difficult to see the details of his face in the dark, but Nick could discern puffy red eyes wincing in guilt. 

\- I’m sorry. I didn’t want to use you like that, I didn’t even realize what I was doing until, you know, George pointed out how it wasn’t normal…  
\- Fuck what’s normal or not. If girls can cuddle between friends, then I will do the same fucking thing. And if anyone has a problem with that, they can kiss my ass. 

Clay let escape a watery chuckle at that, followed by a pitiful sniffle, but at least it was something good. Slowly, Nick’s hand crawled in the empty space between them to close around the man’s palm, and relief flooded him as warm fingers squeezed in return. 

\- So you’re not angry?  
\- About what? You make it sound like you had to manipulate me for these hugs. You do realise that I was giving them willingly, right?  
\- Yeah, I know, it’s just… I don’t want you to feel like you were George’s substitute or something.  
\- Pfft, how can I be George’s substitute if I’m way better than him? I’m the one giving you cuddles after all.  
\- Hahahaha, yeah, you’re not wrong…  
\- Give it another month, and I’m pretty sure it’s George that will become my substitute because you’ll fall head over heels for me.

Finally, Clay exploded in a wheezing laugh, and who cares if his forehead hit Nick’s chin in the movement. Smiling in victory, Nick circled his shaking shoulders with an arm, bringing their body closer in an embrace, and fuck did he missed that contact in the past hours. And it looked like he wasn’t the only one, as Clay’s own arms wandered around his waist to better hold on the back of his t-shirt, his face finding his favorite place in the nook of his neck.

\- You’re so dumb. Are you saying that you’ll stop being straight just to seduce me?  
\- Hey, I’m pretty sure I can stay straight and still seduce you. I mean, Karl is asexual and he’s crushing hard on that candel chick, no?  
\- Oh, come on, as if you would give up sex for a relationship.  
\- I mean, it’s not like I have sex right now anyway, so…  
\- Nick, I swear, I’m gonna bite you if you continue like that.  
\- Oh yes, daddy please!

It took them a long time to fall asleep as they were both giggling like idiots, but it had been worth it. Even when Nick woke up the next day with his face full of blond hair, an arm dangerously numb after long hours under Clay’s heavy head, and his t-shirt drenched in sweat because damn the man was a furnace in this stupid tropical climat. 

Like anything with them, sleeping together instantly became a new habit, and they soon started to refer to Clay’s room as “Patches bedroom” when it became apparent that they would continue with that. Of course, they never mention that fact to anyone, the same way Nick didn’t utter a word about Clay’s confession to any of their friends, and especially George. But to be honest, Nick wouldn’t mind if Clay suddenly decided to tell everyone that they shared a bed. In fact, the more time passed, the more he realized that there were a lot of things he wouldn’t mind concerning his friend. Like stealing Clay’s really large hoodies and wearing them around the house just to see the man raise a confused eyebrow. Or holding hands in public after the confinement, whether it be sitting at a restaurant or just casually walking the aisle of a grocery store while arguing about week’s meals. Or maybe ask him to be his valentine this year.

\- Are you… sure about that?  
\- I mean, it’s not like we already have a date anyway, and I already know you’ll end up in my bed by the end of the night, so why not?

Yeah, Clay was really cute when he was laughing. He was even more beautiful with a big goofy smile on his face as he was accepting his offer. And sure, maybe Nick got a little worried when the clip of Clay asking George to be his valentine started to be trendy everywhere, but it soon turned into relief when he saw his friend’s exaggerated reaction when met with refusal. The joke had been pushed so far it was almost as if the blond wasn’t that much serious with this relationship anymore, which was a stark difference with his reaction last week, and made Nick a little bit confuse about that sudden loss of interest, but hey, if Clay was finally able to turn the page, that means it was a good thing, right? 

And so February 14th came, and just for the laugh, Nick took out his only white shirt from the bottom of his wardrobe, and yeah, maybe it was terribly wrinkled, but at least there was an effort. He even looked respectable with some clean black pants that almost never saw the light of day because it was just so much more comfortable to live in basketball shorts all year long. Had it been a real date, he would have a little breakdown in front of the mirror after realizing that fuck, his old pants already started to get tight and his shirt was really not flattering his quarantine belly. That maybe the assholes in his chat had been right all along about how ugly he was compared to his friends. That he didn’t have a real valentine because of this exact reason. But fuck it, fuck all of this, he was doing it to make Clay feel better, so there’s no way he would let his stupid insecurities take control right now. 

\- Wow, Nick! You should have told me it was a fancy night, I would have changed.  
\- Because you have something sexier than your gray sweatpants?

Clay’s laughter morphed into an appreciative whistle as Nick bent over to snatch the bag of pre-grated cheese from the bottom shelf of the fridge. Motivated by that sudden boost of confidence, the man playfully clapped his own ass to put on a little show, and the delighted smile that he received just for that made him forget every doubt he had until now. Yeah, they were both joking around, but even if he wasn’t Clay’s type, the blond sure was great to make him feel at least a little bit desirable. Even more so as the taller man was now skirting the counter to join him near the stove and lock his body in a familiar embrace from behind. 

\- So, what’cha cooking, good looking? 

Nick giggled as Clay’s breath was tickling his scalp. The strong perfume of his bodywash was now mingling with the smell of melting cheese, and it was a strange combination, but not that unpleasant. 

\- Wait, are you seriously planning to make mac and cheese for supper?  
\- Why not? That’s my speciality.  
\- But it’s valentine day! You could have let me do something special, you know?  
\- You’re always the one who cooks! I offer you a break as a loving gift, and that’s how you show gratitude?

Nick wasn’t lying about his specific culinary skills, and Clay widened surprised eyes after his first bite before diving in the rest of his plate with vigor. Conversely, the bottle of white wine that the blond imported for the event turn out to be a total letdown, but they still finished it because that shit was expensive as fuck, and it was just so funny to see Clay lose his temper everytime he would take a sip, clamoring that he had been deceive by the critics and that the wine industry was a total scam. Still, the night ended on a great note with a decadent dark chocolate cake, and Nick didn’t mind that Clay’s leg had been intertwined with his this entire time. The same way he didn’t think too much about how the romantic candle light was reflecting beautifully into green eyes, or making skin look even softer… Wait, did Clay shaved just before this? His jaw looked so smooth!

\- Hey, earth to the moon, hello?  
\- … Uh?  
\- You’re staring.  
\- Can’t a man admire how pretty his valentine is?

Yeah, Clay’s low chuckles were the best, making Nick bold enough to take his hand and bring it to his lips, kissing delicately his knuckles just to hear that sound again. It was so easy to make his friend happy, so easy to make him smile like he just offered him the stars. Felt so natural too, surprising him every time he thought they were closing on their limits, only to realize that no, they could go one step further and still be comfortable with all this. 

\- Fuck, Nick, if you continue like that, I’ll want to kiss you for real.  
\- I thought you had a thing for twinks.  
\- It’s not because I crushed hard for one that my tastes are exclusively for them, you know? Maybe I have a thing for otters too.  
\- What’s that?  
\- Small hairy men.  
\- And you find that attractive?  
\- I mean, yeah, when they’re as sexy as you. Just, did you see your guns?

Clay’s hand was warm like his laugh when it closed around Nick’s bicep, and because he liked to brag a little, the younger man flexed his muscles under the touch just to show their full potential. Sure, he lost a lot because of the quarantine, but damn right he made sure to do his push-ups at least everyday.

\- My arms are the only things I got for me, of course I try to maintain them.  
\- Oh, shut up, I saw how your chat thirst after your sorry ass.  
\- It’s nothing compared to your stans drooling over your hands. Just wait before they discover that you look like a younger version of Chris Evans.  
\- I’m not!  
\- Sure, keep telling that to yourself.

They were laughing, of course, but this time, it was difficult to ignore the twinge in Nick’s heart, because he remembered the comments. The ones that made him stop streaming with a webcam, because he had become so self-conscientious that he wasn’t even able to keep all his concentration on the game. And maybe Clay saw it in his smile, because his fingers squeezed his arm, his gaze softening. 

\- I already told you, Nick, you’re beautiful in your own way.  
\- That sounds a lot like pity points.  
\- Fuck no. That’s a fact. I mean, did you see what was considered sexy in the 80’s? It’s not because you don’t totally fit in the standards now that you’re automatically ugly.  
\- Thanks dude, but damn you’re bad with metaphors. Was that supposed to cheer me up?  
\- … You pissed me off so much when you’re stubborn like that. Do I need to kiss you to make you realize how handsome you are?  
\- Well, that sure would be flattering, but we both know you’re just bluff- 

Lips were suddenly on his, and Nick froze. They were chipped a little, but warm… and very fast. By the time Nick realized what happened, Clay was already backing up on his chair, his anxious face studying his reaction with caution. Disoriented, Nick just stared back at him, mouth half-open in surprise. 

\- Uh, was it… Was that a joke, or do we need to talk about this?

Okay, now Clay was avoiding his eyes. Which meant that it was serious. Which meant… that Clay stopped crushing on George because of him? Because he started to like him instead? No, no, it was just so improbable, so unreal, that just couldn’t be true, right?

\- Well, I wanted it to be a joke, but… you know… Like I said, you’re kinda my type too, so… I mean, fuck, forget I said that, I know you’re straight, I shouldn’t have…

As Clay withdrew his hand from his arm, Nick hastened to catch it back in his palm, his other finding its place against Clay’s jaw by reflex, caressing his cheek with his thumb to help him calm down. He knew that tense tone of voice, knew it was the start of a panic attack if he didn’t act right now to defuse it.

\- Hey, that’s okay, that’s okay, I’m not mad… just confused, I guess? I thought you weren’t serious about finding me attractive.  
\- What, you want me to repeat it again?  
\- No, no, I just… need a little time to process it?  
\- Is that your polite way to tell me you’ll leave the house and never see my face again, or is it…  
\- Of course not! It’s just, like, I try to understand, do you want me to be your boyfriend?  
\- … Nick. You’re straight.  
\- Yeah, sexually, but like, what about romantically? There’s a difference between the two, no? At least, that’s what Karl explained to me, but...  
\- Wait, so you’re saying that maybe you’re…  
\- I don’t know, man, it’s not like I had the occasion to think about it. I wouldn’t mind trying with you, if that’s what you want. I mean, at that point, we’re practically a platonic couple, so why not take a shot, and if it’s not compatible, well, we would just go back to hugging each other as friends, no big deal.  
\- … No big deal?  
\- Yeah, I mean, why would it be more complicated than that? 

Now it was Clay’s turn to look at him with shock, and it was kinda cute, but at the same time a little bit sad, because was he really thinking Nick was about to destroy years of friendship for sentiments that the man didn’t even have control over? And then suddenly, Clay was grabbing his collar and his lips were back against his, but oh fuck was it totally different. It was hungry, and desperate, and so, so hot, with teeths, and tongue, and the taste of dark chocolate mixt with awful wine, and fuck, no girls kissed liked that, absolutely none, and Nick didn’t care at all because it was good, so fucking good. So he just cupped Clay’s face between his hands and deepened the kiss even more, as if it was even possible at that point except by exploring every corner of the blond’s mouth, and somewhere in the movement he realise that the angle was weird because Clay wasn’t supposed to be smaller than him, and so he break contact a brief second to catch his breath. His mind broke the second he realized what was going on. Clay wasn’t sitting in his chair anymore, no. He was fucking kneeling on the kitchen floor between his leg to be sure they would be almost the same height and fuck, ok, Nick was officially in love with him. 

\- Wanna, uh, go upstairs to continu? 

Clay stood up so quickly that he almost hit Nick’s chin, and pulled him out of his chair so hard that the man almost stumbled on his feet, but it only made Nick fall into the man’s arms and here they were again, making out against the kitchen’s counter like there was no tomorrow. The angle was definitely unusual now that Clay was towering over him, and Nick wasn’t completely sure he liked that since it was quickly hurting his neck, and a little bit of his masculine pride, but hey, maybe he would adjust with time, and Clay was a really good kisser so it helped to ignore the inconveniences, especially with his fingers digging in his back with so much possessivity that it was almost flattering. 

It took them an eternity before finally getting to their bedroom, Nick abusing the stairs to better take control of the kiss now that he could gain a few precious inches, and it was incredible how Clay responded with so much enthousiasme no matter the position, even going so far as to moan in his mouth when Nick would pull on his blond hair to better tilt his face, and yeah, that was worth everything. They fell on the bed in a tangle of legs and arms, panting as their lips parted, and suddenly, Clay froze, fear in his eyes, as he realized that he was pinning Nick under his weight. Which, to be fair, the smaller man didn’t mind that much, but knowing how his friend was terrified about any breach of consent, it did make sense that he would stop so abruptly. 

\- You okay?  
\- I, uh, did I get too… fast?  
\- Not at all. 

When Nick pressed their lips together, he made sure that it would be soft and loving this time, if only for calming Clay’s worries once and for all. It kinda worked, since he could feel the man’s body relax against him, heavy and so familiar, but once they broke the kiss again, the blond was looking away with clear hesitation on his face. 

\- Should we, like, change for the night, or... ?  
\- Oh my, Dream, are you asking to see me nude?  
\- … Maybe?

Damn that man was too cute, how could he say no to that? But as Nick started to unbutton his shirt, treacherous doubt flooded his mind again, stopping his hands. These past nights, they always slept in t-shirts and underwear, so it’s not like Clay ever saw him totally naked, and yeah, sure, he must have felt the shape of his body while cuddling, but still, even if they stayed platonic lovers, aesthetic attraction was still important in a romantic relationship, right?

\- Just, don’t be disappointed, alright?  
\- Why would I… Nick, I already told you, you’re fine!  
\- Well, sorry if it’s hard to believe, okay? I got conditioned to think the opposite!  
\- What, like a dog?  
\- … Please, tell me puppy play isn’t one of your kinks.  
\- Eww, Nick, gross! What the fuck?!

At least they were laughing again, Clay rolling on his side and nesting his face in Nick’s shoulder to smother his classic wheezing. Which inevitably led to another sweet kissing session, and it was so much easier to ignore his insecurities with a tongue lovingly dancing in his mouth. Especially with Clay’s nimble fingers taking the job of unbuttoning his shirt, exploring skin with delicate touches that soon transformed into hungry palms caressing every inch of his back and torso, discarding the clothing away before taking out his own t-shirt. The burning clash of their body made Nick’s mind swirl, and sure, there was a clear lack of breast, and a coarse line of hair on the belly, and firm muscles under the skin… but fuck, Nick was half-hard anyway, and even more when the same fingers feverishly attacked the zipper of his pants. 

Soon, they were in nothing but their boxer briefs, clawing backs, biting lips and moaning names. At some point, the kisses stopped to explore new territory along tentative necks and sensitive earlobes, licking and sucking with avidity until there were no places left for more hickeys. And maybe they grinded a little bit against each other, and yeah, it was again a really strange sensation, but they weren’t really eager to go down this slope for tonight anyway, not when there was already so much fun to have with just their mouths, so Nick didn’t think too much about it. The same way they didn’t realise the pass of time until the first lights of dawn started creeping through the curtains, making them pass out of exhaustion in each other's arms.

Understandably, Nick didn’t wake up before noon, lazily rolling in bed until the emptiness in his arms stirred him out of his slumber. Clay wasn’t here anymore, and it wasn’t the first time the man left him to sleep longer while he was doing work downstairs. But after what happened… Did Clay change his mind once he woke up? Did he regret doing it? Trying to ignore the worries gnawing at him, Nick grabbed his cellphone to distract himself, and soon raised an eyebrow as he saw the Twitch notification of Dream doing a chill Q&A stream with his chat. Oh, so maybe he was talking about the release of his song Roadtrip and the last manhunt video they published last week. That was an odd hour to be live, but at the same time, Clay always made sure he wouldn’t encroach on the streaming time of the other DSMP members as to not steal views because of his popularity, so it made sense. Relieved by that information, Nick finally yielded to the call of a late breakfast, not even taking time to get dressed as his skin was now way too sensitive with bruises. The idea of a brunch just after the gayest experience of his life made him chuckle as he got down the stairs, and still, he could easily see himself doing that again. Maybe he wasn’t as straight as he thought, after all, and strangely enough, the idea didn’t really terrorize him, or any other strong reaction that maybe he should have with that kind of life changing realisation. No, it only made him… curious? And it’s not like documentation was hard to find on the subject, when the internet was just a button away from his thumb. 

It didn’t take long before Clay joined him, hardly more dressed except maybe a hoodie, with the hood raised over his head for some obscure raison. His cheeks took a strong coloration when his eyes dropped on Nick’s glorious nudity in the now sharp light of the day, displaying in evidence the dark hickeys he had let on him the night before, and taking pity of his sudden shyness, the younger man pushed the cereal box in his direction as an invitation to sit with him. 

\- You got dark circles, dude. Did you even sleep?  
\- Not… not really, no.  
\- Wanna talk about it?  
\- … You’re not, like, angry about yesterday?  
\- Why would I? It was pretty nice. What about you, do you have second thoughts?  
\- I… don’t know? I mean, it was great, you’re great, it just… It’s kinda hard to wrap my head around the fact that, you know, you’re straight…  
\- Panromantic.  
\- Wh-what?  
\- I just read about it. Makes a lot of sense, so I guess that’s what I am.  
\- Just… just like that?  
\- Well, I guess it’s kinda, like, how Eret discovered that they were bi? That it just, clicked, and then that’s it?  
\- You’re not… scared?  
\- I dunno, should I? It’s not like I’m gonna get hunted down for it.  
\- If it gets leaked on the internet…  
\- Meh, people already hate my face, or the fact that I stream Minecraft for a living, or whatever else. At that point, I guess I don’t really care what next Twitter scandal will hit us. It’s kinda inevitable anyway.  
\- Wait, are you thinking about coming out officially?  
\- Who knows. If the situation needs it, yeah. If not, well, it’s my private life so it’s not really a necessity, right? I’ll just go with the flow.

The expression of shock on Clay’s face would be hilarious, if the reason behind it wasn’t so sad. Like months and months of stress and terror that his secret could be discovered, leading to the collapse of everything he had created, friendship he had forged. Slowly, Nick reached for Clay's hand, enveloping it in a soothing embrace, and the blond looked away as if he was suddenly ashamed of himself. 

\- Would you be disappointed, if… if I say that I’m not ready for… you know, make a relationship official?  
\- Dude, you’re not even ready to do a face reveal to the rest of the world. I don’t care what you wanna tell the others or not.  
\- Wouldn’t it feel, like, hiding? Like I’m ashamed, or…  
\- Well, are you?  
\- No! I… Well… Maybe a little, but… Not about the fact that I would be dating you, just the fact that I’m… fuck… It’s just… How do you… How can you be so calm about it?  
\- About what?  
\- The fact that you’re not… normal. That you wanna kiss a dude, and sleep with him, and be in a relationship, and…  
\- Why is that not normal?  
\- It… It kinda is? You know what I’m talking about…  
\- Yeah, but I know that it’s fucking bullshit, because normality is… how do they say it, a society construct? Wasn’t it like, the same thing you were trying to tell me about my physique?  
\- No, it’s…  
\- It totally is. Just think about it, gay marriage wasn’t even legal five years ago, so what is normal already changed since then. Who knows, maybe in five more years, people will know enough about the difference between sexual and romantic attraction, and suddenly, like, forty percent of the population will be like “yeah, no, I don’t totally identify as straight, hear me out” and then it will not seem abnormal to be gay, or bi, or whatever.  
\- Five years? You’re awfully optimistic.  
\- Okay, maybe more, but you see my point, right? 

The blond didn’t respond, eyes fixed on an invisible point on the floor, knee nervously shaking, but it was expected. It would take time before he accepted this, the same way it would take time for Nick to go over his own insecurities. Because the world was fucked up and full of traumas, big or small. Sighing, Nick delicately took the man’s chin in his fingers, raising his head to meet his gaze.

\- Clay, listen. What I’m telling you is, you don’t have to make anything public if you don’t want to, and you don’t have to date me if you don’t want to. At the end of the day, couple or not, I’m your best friend and I’ll follow your lead, whatever you’ll choose, okay?

Next thing Nick knew, tears were rolling out of green eyes, and the blond was suddenly pulling him in a gripping hug, sobbing against his shoulder in a mixt of despair and relief. Nick promptly tightened his arms around him, petting hair and kissing temple, everything he could do to ground him, make him feel safe. This made the hood fall from Clay’s head, revealing a bruised throat so similar to Nick's own neck, and the sudden outburst of possessivity that plagued the man’s brain at that view made him almost dizzy. Especially when it was evident now that Clay shared that sentiment.

\- I… fuck, I wanna be with you. I wanna be with you so bad…  
\- Hush, hush, that’s okay. That’s okay. I love you too, babe.

The cry soon turned into wet sniffles before Clay backed away just enough to face him again, wiping tears with his wrist, still not looking at him in the eyes, but face softened in a shy surprise. 

\- Say that again.  
\- I love you.  
\- I… No, I was talking about, uh, how you called me…  
\- What, babe?

The bright blush that flooded Clay’s cheeks made Nick explode in laughter, and the blond grunt his embarrassment as he quickly hid his treacherous face in his palms.

\- Oh, so you like that!  
\- Shut up.  
\- No, no, that’s cute! Will you call me babe too?  
\- I mean, if you want…  
\- I’d love that.

And just because he couldn’t resist, Nick nipped at the blond ear, eliciting a beautiful shudder and small whine. Which quickly ended up in another kiss, both passionate and tender, full of promises and hopes. There was still a lot to talk about, like how they would deal with the sexual aspect of their relationship, about their boundaries, about the people they were okay telling or not, how they would act when streaming together… but that could wait a little bit more, because right now, they were both happy and that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> You know, there's a lot to pick with Dreamnotfound... but then I heard a clip with Sapnap flirting with Dream without a once of shame, and it's so refreshing after hours of the "will they, won't they" dance of George that I ended up on Sapnap twitch more and more until he became one of my main confort streamers.
> 
> And I mean, yeah, I could pair him up with his favorite fiancé, but since I couldn't find confirmation about Karl being okay with fanfiction, and because I wanna write a smuthy sequel for this and still wanna respect the man asexuality, I choose the path of consent and picked Dream because come on, that guy is an even greater inspiration for complex characters, and he's fricking Sapnap roomate right now, so the fanfic is almost writing itself at that point... Well, not fast enough, since it was supposed to be ready for valentine day, but I had to finish a three year old long HP fanfic before that, so... yeah, at least it's still Fabruary... kinda... 
> 
> Like always, I used my fanfic to talk about some pretty serious topic and give some representation to people in the LGBTA+ spectrum that we don't think a lot... so yeah, hope you liked it ^^'


End file.
